Great relationships don't happen by accident. They require intentional maintenance - just like your health, career, or home. Yet most couples only talk about their relationship when something is wrong.
This weekly check-in creates a safe space to connect, appreciate, and address small issues before they become big problems. 30 minutes a week can transform your relationship.
Before You Start
Set the Right Environment
Ground Rules
Pro Tip: Sit side by side or at an angle rather than facing each other directly. It feels less confrontational.
Part 1: Gratitude & Appreciation (10 minutes)
Start with positivity to build connection before discussing challenges.
Share Appreciations
Each partner shares:
Be specific! "I appreciated when you made dinner on Tuesday while I was stressed" is better than "I appreciate you."
Receive Appreciation
Mistake: Skipping appreciation because "they already know"
Instead: Everyone needs to hear appreciation regularly. Make it explicit.
Part 2: Connection Questions (10 minutes)
Take turns answering one or two of these questions:
This Week
Going Deeper
Fun Questions (Rotate These In)
Warning: If you notice defensiveness rising in yourself, pause and breathe. Curiosity is the antidote to defensiveness.
Part 3: Relationship Maintenance (10 minutes)
Address Small Issues
Framework for Raising Issues
Use this format:
"When [specific behavior], I felt [emotion]. What I need is [specific request]."
Example: "When you were on your phone during dinner Tuesday, I felt disconnected. What I need is device-free time during meals."
Receiving Feedback
Mistake: Using the check-in to dump every grievance from the past month
Instead: Focus on current, specific issues. One or two topics per session max.
Part 4: Looking Ahead (5 minutes)
Calendar Sync
Connection Planning
Part 5: Close With Connection
Closing Ritual
Choose one to end your check-in:
After the Check-In
Quick Version (15 minutes)
Short on time? Use this abbreviated check-in:
Troubleshooting Common Issues
Problem: Partner doesn't want to do check-ins
Solution: Start with just appreciation exchanges. Keep it positive and brief. Build from there.
Problem: Check-ins always turn into arguments
Solution: Stick to the structure. Focus on "I" statements. Take breaks when needed. Consider a couples therapist to help.
Problem: We don't have anything to talk about
Solution: Use the question prompts. The more you check in, the more natural it becomes.
Problem: It feels awkward or forced
Solution: That's normal at first! Awkwardness fades with practice. The payoff is worth it.
The 4 Horsemen to Avoid
Relationship researcher John Gottman identified four toxic patterns:
1. Criticism - Attacking character instead of behavior
2. Contempt - Disrespect, eye-rolling, mocking
3. Defensiveness - Making excuses, counter-attacking
4. Stonewalling - Shutting down, withdrawing
If you notice these patterns, pause the conversation and take a break.
Pro Tip: The antidote to criticism is gentle start-up. The antidote to contempt is building a culture of appreciation. That's what this check-in helps you do.
Why This Works
Couples who have regular check-ins:
30 minutes a week is a small investment for the most important relationship in your life.
Your Check-In Commitment
The couples that last aren't the ones who never have problems. They're the ones who keep showing up to work on it together.
See you at your next check-in. Your relationship is worth it.
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